How to tell if you have a fear of intimacy.
Today’s video is part 1 of a 2 part series where we take a look at intimacy issues and how to overcome intimacy problems we experience.
Fear of relationships and closeness to people could be what’s really holding you back when it comes to finding a fulfilling relationship.
The full transcript of this video is available below.
Fear of intimacy signs
Intimacy comes in four flavours:
In a relationship, it includes usually all four of these. You become emotionally connected because you can share your thoughts, your fears, your dreams and feelings.
As you grow old with someone, however, for many different reasons some of us sadly have ideal situations in past relationships or we live through a terrible childhood. That affects our primal urge to connect with someone.
Meaning you fear getting close or someone getting close to you.
So you push them away because deep down you were once hurt badly. That pain never really healed.
Let’s find out if you have a fear of intimacy.
My name’s Anna and LET’S GO!
A history of short relationships
Think back to your past relationships. Do you find yourself dating someone and then you feel bored quickly?
So you pull out and end the relationship. Or perhaps you ended things because you and your partner consistently argued. Well someone that has a fear of intimacy never allows for a relationship to fully progress into a long-term thing.
They end it before things get too serious.
You are sabotaging relationships
If most of your relationships turn sour and you always argue. Or you find yourself constantly arguing with your partner, this is the second sign.
You may react intensely to small situations being over-demanding. Overly critical trying to control the other person and saying cruel things to purposely upset them.
These extreme variants of emotions and actions are all to push the other person away. Now relationships do feature arguments from time to time. Extreme sabotaging of the relationship and threatening. To break up mid-argument is toxic and a huge indication of intimacy avoidance.
Everything else is of higher importance
The fear of intimacy is built around hiding a weakness.
That weakness being wanting someone and being wanted. To avoid people because they may see your weaknesses and flaws that you associated with yourself many years ago.
If you prefer to engage in your hobbies and work all the time instead of having a relationship well this is your proof.
Your needs of a partner are too perfect
You may tell people that you won’t enter a relationship until someone ticks off all 50 boxes on your list of my future needs. Or you use this as fuel in an argument with a partner to push them away. It’s obvious we aren’t working out because you need someone who is just as ambitious as you are.
You aren’t ambitious so this thing’s never gonna work. Maybe you even find that when you confront your partner with your needs, they come back and say:
- But I’ve been supporting you through this new business that you’ve created
- I even took snowboarding lessons so that we could be an active couple that you wanted
- I removed and sold my dragon figurines from the living room so that you could have more of a feng shui vibe in the house
You will find that no matter how hard your partner tries to compromise it’s never enough.
You act differently depending on your circle
If you find yourself very confused with who the real you is, it’s because you are hiding your real self. You are putting up a wall that merges and just blends in with those around you so that they don’t sense how to hurt you are on the inside.
You have an insatiable desire
A person that fears intimacy can still have relationships, however they have a big focus on the bedroom antics and really nothing more.
They have a high sex drive and when that feeling’s over they go back to their very fear-avoidance intimacy ways.
Everyone tells you how positive you are
Fake friendships and relationships are thoughts that remain on a surface level. Everyone’s just constantly smiling, no one moans or complains. No one talks about their feelings or how sad they felt that day however a true deep meaningful relationship is one way you share how you feel.
You are not afraid to be vulnerable so if you are always upbeat and people never see you having a bad day it’s because you are forcefully braving a smile all the time so people can’t see your hurt.
You are the mother hen
Jumping off the previous idea, if your friends and your family members come to you in their time of need. It’s because well they see you as this very strong independent person. You can give them solid advice and help them with what they need to figure out.
Because well you don’t have any emotional attachment to problems therefore you are very a to b.
You only date other unavailable people
You could find that you only seem to date other workaholics, people with little time for a real deep relationship. Or something that’s just a weekend type of thing. Maybe you date codependent partners, who are very easy to manipulate.
Deep down you have a fear of being abandoned
A long time ago you were really burnt in the past maybe a parent passed away or they were emotionally unavailable and this hurt you throughout your childhood to your early teen years.
The pain is so deep that it’s a wound that’s constantly open. You are so actively aware of this that you don’t just fear relationships romantically but with friends. Maybe you feel a little bit concerned about how to be intimate because the thought terrifies you.
You may have moments where you dread being alone.
Perhaps you may not hear from your partner for a couple of hours and then panic thinking something bad has happened to them.
So you chronically phone them and then when you know they are okay, you go back to being very avoidant.
The elastic band effect
Maybe you are already in a relationship or you have noticed this specific trait in a previous one. You find yourself getting close to your partner, you start to open up share your needs and desires and then you feel the urge to pull away. Almost blank them, you don’t want anything to do with them, you don’t want to kiss them or cuddle them.
Perhaps you still want to have sex with them but there’s nothing really passionate or romantic going on. You could find yourself finding it so unbearable to share the same bed with someone else, that you never go to bed the same time as your partner because that’s just too intimacy provoking.
You struggle to see your partner in your future
Picturing a future with a partner is hard. When you think about your next five years is there a romantic partner in there? Are there children?
If you can only imagine career goals and passions this could be your sign. It is hardwired into your brain to avoid intimacy that you never actually think about future plans with a partner.
Now this includes even those non-romantic plans such as just large purchases together like sofas, travel plans and you forget to include your partner because you are hardwired to only look out for number one.
You get uncomfortable when others are upset
You prefer to remain in the background and be a little bit distant. Having to deal with a partner’s emotions is so overwhelming that you just do not know what to do.
You seem to just blankly stare at them repeating what can I do instead of actually doing something. Like offering an unprompted hug. You become very matter-of-fact, there’s no reason to cry about not bagging this job because there’s plenty more.
Often you will say, “I can only depend on myself”. This seems to be your life’s philosophy.
People let you down and you have many examples of proof when this has happened.
You hate asking people for help because you don’t quite believe that they are good enough for you.
The idea of asking for support or help is an extreme weakness in your eyes.
We made it to the end of the video.
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Have an amazing day and see you soon.