Learn about intimacy and how you can build better bonds in relationships.
Today’s video is part 2 of a 2 part series.
We take a look at intimacy issues and how to overcome intimacy problems we may experience.
Fear of relationships and closeness to people could be what’s really holding you back when it comes to finding a fulfilling relationship.
The full transcript of this video is available below.
How to Build Intimacy
Let’s talk about what intimacy is. It’s the closest form of a relationship that you can have with someone. Not always from a romantic partner but also a relationship with someone that you care about. When someone makes you feel very comfortable and they feel comfortable with you too.
Sometimes it can be physical intimacy or it could be close intimacy with lots of emotions.
Let’s address something straight away because like I just said intimacy isn’t just built around sexual activity, you can still be intimate with your friends and your family. It’s a genuine closeness instead of something that is only defined by physical attributes.
So stay tuned.
You need to trust & be trusted
If someone can trust you with their personal life, their secrets and ambitions, they naturally feel closer to you and the same is when the role is reversed.
You two are able to connect on a deep level about things that the other person knows, the things that people just don’t know outside of the relationship.
This is the first form of building intimacy.
Work on healthy communication
Communication can be so different for many different types of people. So let’s address what good communication is.
This is when it’s healthy between two people, they are both making an effort to listen to each other, to be seen and to be heard.
This builds a deeper understanding of what you are actually talking about. It’s about listening and getting to know them more and more. Their interests their values and being able to fully open up and talk about what each other needs in a relationship.
This also includes talking about things that aren’t going as well as you hoped. Intimacy is a huge understanding of discovery about the other person. For example, sharing deep thoughts at the end of the night. It helps if you guys lay in bed together, a little bit like how you did at sleepovers when you were a child.
Show each other genuine affection
There have to be signs of genuine affection. Affection is when you show someone that you truly care about them, their values and also their purpose. It can be displayed in many different ways. Perhaps it could be a kiss between two people that are dating. Or a gentle squeeze of the shoulder of a friend at work. Maybe even a close hug between you and a parent.
Usually, though this type of intimacy is shown through physical actions. Instead of something that’s actually verbalized and said, because let’s be honest it’s easy to tell someone that you feel sorry for them and that you hope they will have a better tomorrow.
However, a hug means so much more by entering into someone else’s personal space. Really letting them know that you are there for them and that you are fully 100 validating their emotions.
Show each other compassion
When you show signs of compassion for someone or someone shows those signs for compassion for you, you can both open up.
It shows that you want to treat that person with love and care.
For example, it could be that you know you could call up your best friend after you had a breakup. They would do anything they could to soothe that pain and to validate your emotions to genuinely make you feel better now.
Some great ways to show compassion in any form of a relationship is to:
- Let the other person know that you are there for them when times get tough.
- Show that you naturally care about them.
It could be that you are sorry when someone doesn’t get that job promotion that they were really wishing for. Or helping your best friend, who’s just come out of hospital because he’s broken his wrist.
Compassion builds a big form of intimacy.
You both need to be honest
Be honest about how you feel and you should both need to be honest about your own emotions. Feeling comfortable to tell someone exactly what’s going on in your head is a good thing. Some easy ways to start building this inside an intimate relationship is to not lie to someone about your own opinion. You can say “I don’t like this restaurant that you picked maybe let’s go somewhere else to eat”. This honestly lets the other person know that you are genuinely being you.
You’re not hiding behind lies and they’re not going to feel any less comfortable with you because they feel like you are lying to make them feel better. Instead, they know that this is the real version of you.
Accept someone for who they are
Another way to build intimacy is being able to accept someone for who they really are. A relationship allows two people to genuinely be themselves. It could be they are happy to be themselves with that nervous and goofy laugh that they have. They feel comfortable blasting out that cheesy pop band that they listen to in the car.
Being able to accept someone for their own limitations is brilliant.
Let’s say for example if a partner has a chronic illness. Ideal acceptance is understanding how that person feels and understanding what activities they can find very limiting.
Instead of pushing the person to actually reach a solution, you should find a way to overcome it and do something else.
You need to make time for each other
If you want to build a great relationship with a partner, you need to be able to have quality time. Instead of just hanging out with each other’s friends or parents. You have to be on your own.
Some great ways to do this is to make time for those deep emotional conversations that we mentioned previously.
This means regularly talking to them about how their day went and obviously getting it back in exchange.
Getting someone to express more about those feelings that they have is a great intimacy builder.
A lot of failed relationships end because of the very surface level things. It could be a communication breakdown. All the conversations seem to be, “hey how are you, how is your day” and that’s it.
Instead, you have to dive in a little bit deeper. You have to ask how that job interview went and you have to ask them if they are feeling okay. You have to prompt them to continue talking about their emotions.
This will well and truly build intimacy.
Experience something new or big together
Intimacy is when we can grow with someone. It’s something that you guys can learn together too. For example, it could be a new craft class, going to the gym together or growing in a way that makes you build on something large.
Imagine raising a child, buying a home and doing it up. This is an act of commitment. Which makes the other person feel like you are going to stick around for the long haul.
Building a regular routine together
As humans, we are creatures of habits and we love knowing what we’re doing every single day. Yes we do like surprises from time to time but in general, we like to know what we’re doing. We like to know who’s sticking around with us for the long term.
You can incorporate this into your relationship by talking about plans far ahead in the future. For example, you can say, “hey let’s go on a camping trip in six months time, let’s book it today and it’s done”.
This lets the person know that you genuinely care about them and their time. That you want to be around them in the long haul.
Something that lots of people do wrong at the start of relationships is not actually talking long term, for the fear of coming across too clingy.
Of course, you can come across as a little bit clingy, if you were to talk about arranging a marriage. Compared to if you guys are going to get married in the next couple of years.
Instead, you can prompt things and say “wouldn’t it be great if we went on a holiday to the Bahamas. That place you were talking about to your friend the other day”.
This type of thing builds intimacy. It lets the other person know that you are wanting them to be a big part of your life now.
The biggest underlining factor here is intimacy. It’s something that you can’t just build overnight. It’s a lot of building by repetition. Lots of habits and basically doing everything that we said in the video a lot of times.
Eventually, that is when the intimacy builds.
If you have a good base, you can let someone know that you want them in your life full-time. You will make them feel comfortable. Ask about their emotions and in a couple of weeks, you will start to feel some deep-rooted intimacy.
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Have an amazing day and see you soon.