Learning about flirting! In today’s video we’re going to be taking a deeper dive into the psychology of flirting, discussing some of the science behind flirting, why we flirt, how we flirt, when to flirt, what flirting works and what flirting simple isn’t that effective.
If you love learning all about why & how certain flirting techniques work and what different types of body language are actually achieving then you’re sure to enjoy today’s video.
The Psychology And Science Of Flirting
Have you ever wondered why we flirt? Even in the animal kingdom, you will find flirting. Many animals like tropical birds, for example, spread their brightly coloured feathers to flirt with the bird they are trying to attract.
Humans are not that different. We will dress up to impress the person we are trying to attract, do our hair and woman will put make-up on. Flirting is built into us.
In today’s video, we are going to look at the psychology of flirting and find out a little bit about, why we flirt.
So let’s get started.
The 6 different reasons we flirt
Can you believe that there are 6 different reasons we all flirt? According to David Dryden Henningsen a Professor at the University of Illinois, we flirt for one of these 6 reasons:
- Sex – aka, trying to get you into bed
- Fun – Treating flirting like it is a sport, we’ve all been carried away right?
- Exploring – Trying to see what it would be like to be in a relationship with your crush.
- Relational – Trying to increase spice up a relationship
- Esteem – increasing your self-esteem
- Instrumental – Trying to get/gain something from the other person
101 females and 99 males students were asked to write out a hypothetical flirty conversation between a man and a woman and then identify the motivations behind their words! This probably will not come as a surprise guys although it might. Men were more likely to flirt for sexual reasons, whereas women’s flirting motivations were relationship-based.
Now that we know the 6 different reasons we all flirt, let’s move on to who flirts and why.
Only because you have found the love of your life, doesn’t mean that you can switch off the flirting switch. Couples need to keep flirting to keep the romance flowing!
164 married people were quizzed about flirting by the University of Kentucky. Most of the couples still flirted with each other. They would whisper in each other’s ears, maintain eye contact on a date or put their hand on the other shoulder during dinner. Not only did flirting increase intimacy in a relationship, but it also created a special, private world for the couple. This was important because it maintained a ‘love bubble’.
So there you have it. Don’t think that when you get into a relationship, the flirting will stop, because it won’t.
Quit the pick-up lines
Ok, guys, we all think pick-up lines are funny. We have also probably all used them before. My favourite pick-up line is, “are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause, you’ve got fine written all over you”’. Cheesy right? I like it because it is funny, not because it will get me into bed. In a study conducted by the University of Alaska, 600 people were asked to rate the effectiveness of different ‘lines’ used to flirt.
Pick-up lines were the least popular, which is your sign to ditch them, guys!
Men prefer a direct line like, “you’re cute – can I buy you a drink?”. Whereas women prefer open-ended questions like, what do you think of this bar? or how was your day?
This is not really surprising as men often prefer people to be direct with them. It’s how the male brain is wired.
Women like men to work a little. They don’t let them off easy especially when it comes to conversations. Lady’s have high expectations which is why they love opened ended conversation. They can tell you more about themselves and you can tell them more about yourself.
Leave the pick-up lines at home and use some direct/open-ended conversation to reel in your crush.
Touch is the top tier when it comes to flirting
So now that you have the conversation down, let’s talk about touch.
You don’t need to fully ambush your crush when it comes to touch. A simple touch on the arm or shoulder is more than enough to seal the deal.
Touch instantly tells our brains that the other person is being affectionate and might like us. When touch is between friends, it shows a strong bond. If you are on a date though, touch shows your crush that you are most definitely interested. This is seriously where psychology comes into flirting.
In a study conducted in France, Nicolas Gueguen had 20-year old men approach ladies and ask for their phone numbers. For half the ladies, they simply just asked for their number. For the other half, they asked and touched their arm softly. Guess which half got the most numbers? It was of course the half that touched the arm of the lady.
It showed the lady that the guy was interested and was most definitely flirting with them. When it comes to flirting, touch is top tier and will instantly seal the deal!
To smile or not to smile
Women and men find very different things attractive.
Men are more attracted to women who smile. It not only shows friendliness, kindness and a good sense of humour but it shows that a lady will be a good mother and is in good health. The University of British Columbia discovered that men are more attracted to woman that smile than a woman who is ‘prideful’. What do you think guys, do you like a lady that smiles?
Women however find smiling less attractive. Talk about opposites right? They prefer a man who is prideful, brooding or shameful. Basically, women like bad boys! So guys if you would like to win over your crush, act like a bad boy, even if you aren’t one!
Let’s start with a fact, 55% of attraction communication is through body language. This means that flirting is more about body language than it is about the words that come out of your mouth. Although in saying that, remember guys, what you say does matter.
Mirroring is when you copy what another person say’s or does. Mirroring is not being a parrot and repeating everything the other person say’s. For example, if they say “I love strawberry ice cream” and you repeat “I love strawberry ice cream”. This type of mirroring was something we all did to our siblings when we were growing up.
The mirroring I am referring to is something that naturally happens when we are around someone that we are attracted to. It’s picking up your glass subconsciously when your crush picks up there. Or adopting some of their catch-phrases. Sometimes it is even changing your voice to match theirs.
If you do this, it shows the other person that you are seriously interested in them. They will understand that you are flirting with them and might even mirror some of your body languages back to you. It also shows that you really care about the thoughts and feelings of the other person which is really important.
When you are on your next date, pay attention to mirroring. You might notice the other person is flirting with you or maybe that you are mirroring them. Confirming that you do like them!
Confidence is key
When it comes to flirting, we are all attracted to confidence. It’s actually proven that when flirting the most successful people are not the most attractive. In fact, attractiveness hardly comes into it. The most successful people were good at smiling and acting in a confident and relaxed way. People who could do this received the most attention.
If you want to tap into the psychology of flirting, it’s time to practise smiling, being confident and acting relaxed. You don’t always have to feel confident, you just need to act like you are. Lady’s are instantly attracted to a confident man and as mentioned above, confidence really is key.
The psychology of flirting
Did you learn something new in this video about the psychology of flirting? Flirting was not something that we invented just for fun. Our ancestors have been doing it for centuries and it is in our DNA. We often do it instinctively when we are around someone we find attractive.
Now that you understand a little more about the psychology behind flirting, you might notice it more. Which will make it easier to tell if your crush is flirting with you!